Facing our Fears
On the morning of July 20th, 2019 I kissed my husband one last time before watching him don his space suit and step up into the bus that would take him to the launchpad and his waiting Soyuz rocket. Once there, he crawled into the cramped capsule with his two crew mates and they closed the hatch. About a mile away, my children and I waited for the countdown to begin. My heart was pounding out of my chest and had I not had young children to be brave for, I think I would have been tempted to collapse on the ground and bury my face in my hands. I was terrified. What if something goes wrong? What if the rocket explodes? Have I just said good-bye to my husband of 20 years and the father of our four children forever? Even with the years of training and full confidence in the equipment and technology, things happen, mistakes are made. In that moment, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, my toes dangling off the edge, not knowing if in a few short moments we would be filled with the elation of a successful rocket launch to the International Space Station, or the shocking downward plunge into a new life mourning the loss of my best friend and my children’s father. I’ve never experienced a fear so palpable before. I was overwhelmed.
I reached back in my mind to the day before, when the children and I were granted a few short minutes with Drew for one last hug and tearful farewell. We put our arms around each other and prayed together, asking God for peace and courage, for protection and provision. In that moment, God answered our prayers. Through my tears, I felt His peace, and He granted us the almost incalculable strength it took to say good-bye and walk away.
Back at the viewing area, I told my children to step up next to me and grab hands. We were going to face this, whatever came next, together. 3..2..1..the engines lit and lifted the rocket off the ground. The fiery blast blinded our eyes as the deafening roar rolled across the ground and washed over us like a wave. In that moment I thought of Esther, who God choose for a specific point in history, to take action in a place full of fear and unpredictability. And while Esther did not know what the outcome would be, her faith in God’s plan gave her the strength to face her fears and move forward.
As we watched the rocket shoot into the night sky, eventually receding into just a pinprick of light as it chased it’s target, I thanked God for his presence in my life and asked him to give me the same courage He granted Esther - the confidence to face my fears, in the big and the little things, knowing He will never leave me nor forsake me, no matter what the next day brings.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
