Who Am I now?

 I put my baby on the bus to kindergarten today. I've done it three times before with her older siblings but somehow this felt different. Like any fourth child, she was ready and anxious to leave home,  scampering off to the waiting yellow school bus without a moments hesitation. As I walked alone back to the house I realized that for the first time in 13 years there was no one there waiting for me. I stood in the middle of the living room and the house wasn't just quiet, it was silent. The kind of silence that enshrouds you when you know you're the only living thing around. It felt strange and slightly uncomfortable, so I did what any other mom would do in my situation: I got in my car and drove to Target.  I picked out a new bra because it’s literally been years since I’d had the opportunity to venture into the “intimates” section alone. I perused the housewares department, contemplating whether I needed a new table lamp with the same intensity usually reserved for calculating my income taxes. I pondered trying on some shirts or test driving some new suede boots. Eventually, after considering every new nail polish color, caressing every throw pillow and admiring every desk accessory, I headed back to my car. Thinking about the empty house, I decided I didn't want to go home until the school day was over. When the usual preschool pick-up time that had dictated my early afternoons for over a decade came and went and I was still casually browsing the aisles of Hobby Lobby, I felt a bittersweet ache in my chest. "Is this my new life?” I thought to myself. Is this newfound time from 8am to 3pm represent unlimited freedom or undefined purposelessness? Should I be doing more? Expecting more? Providing more? The emotional friction of this transition into this new phase of life caught me by surprise. All those years of putting off life planning by saying "I'll think about it when all my kids are in school,” had finally caught up to me. Who am I? What defines me now? It felt like I was standing at a new and mysterious crossroads, unsure of which path to take. 

Any time we pass into a new life phase, whether it be from single girl to married woman, stay-at-home mom to working mom, preschool mom to school-aged mom, or busy mom to empty-nester, we are forced to mentally reevaluate our identity in the light of our new circumstances. As scary as it is to let go of the comfortable titles that once defined us, each transition is an opportunity to realign our sense of self identity with who we want to be and what truly and eternally defines us. Eventually all of our children will leave home. Sadly, some marriages end. Jobs are lost, friends move, possessions break, and beauty fades. Instead of mourning the passing of each phase, let’s instead shore up what we know to be true and everlasting. You are loved by a God who never changes. He knows you and calls you by name, even as your titles shift and evolve. The world may spin and morph around you, but your identity as His treasured daughter remains the same.