Spouses are the backbone of military families -but there is a crisis brewing.
I dedicated my recent book to “my fellow military and astronaut spouses - the most courageous and resilient people I know.” I stand by that statement 100% - military spouses are some of the most adaptable, independent, and inspiring people you’ll ever meet. They come from all walks of life, from all corners of the globe, and streets of America. They are of all races, all ethnicities, all ages, all family types, all faiths, all education levels, and all professions. Just like their service member spouses, they reflect a truer version of America’s vast diversity and strength of spirit than any other community in the world. And they are a community - because, despite all their differences, military spouses share one universal life experience: they are married to a person who has offered their life in service to our nation. In doing so, that service member has also offered their future life stability, mental health, financial income, and physical presence and depth of the love of a father, mother, wife, or husband on the altar of service. As spouses, we say goodbye each morning to our service member knowing that today may be the day they are called to give their last full measure of devotion. This is no small thing, compounded by the fact that those who have never served often struggle to comprehend the layers of pressure and complication this potential sacrifice has on our daily lives. Not only on spouses but our children as well.
Let me set the stage for what we are about to talk about so you can get a full sense of the scope of the trouble brewing.
Today there are about 1,350,000 active duty members currently serving in the US military. This does not include reservists, National Guard, or veterans. For my purposes, I’m going to speak primarily about the active-duty community.
Of those active duty members, about 50% of them are married, which gives us 670,000 active-duty military spouses currently serving alongside their soldier, airman, sailor, or guardian.
Of those 670,000 spouses, about 542,000 of them are parents, caring for over 1,200,000 active-duty children. That averages out to just over 2 children per active duty military family with kids.
Every year, several organizations survey military families to try and gain a sense of what the biggest issues facing military families are today. You should know, there are many. From housing to career change, finances, healthcare, and deployment stresses - these are complicated problems that will require increased funding, political advocacy, and leadership initiative to address. But I want to focus on the singular issue that I hope, in my sphere of the world, as a staff person working for a non-profit focused on creating community, and as an active-duty spouse myself, I can begin to positively impact - military spouse loneliness and lack of connection to authentic community.
A few stats from the 2021 Military Family Lifestyle Survey by Blue Star Families, in collaboration with Syracuse University:
70% of active-duty families do NOT feel a sense of belonging to their local community
80% of active-duty spouses report they do NOT feel a sense of belonging to their spouse’s unit/command or their affiliated spouse support group
25% of active-duty spouses report a current diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder (that’s 162,500 people!)
30% of active-duty military families rate the resources for community support as “inadequate”
Over 30% of active-duty spouses report they have zero friends in their local community with whom they could ask for help if needed
5% of active-duty spouses said that they considered suicide within the past year. (that’s 32,500 people!)
All of these stats are related. They paint a picture of a community of military spouses who feel disconnected, isolated, under-resourced, anxious, lonely, and in some cases, because of those other feelings, suicidal. It’s no wonder that recent surveys show that military families are increasingly NOT recommending to others that they join the military. This is a significant shift because the military community produces more than its share of the next generation of service members - meaning that children of service members are far more likely to join the military than those who do not have a parent in the service. And historically, those military parents have supported that decision at a much higher rate than the general population. So if that is no longer the case, we have a serious problem on our hands.
These issues were not caused by the pandemic, though the pandemic certainly exacerbated them. Because military facilities are federal property, the government closure of facilities and programs due to COVID meant the plug was pulled on countless programs and support groups offered to military spouses and children. But these programs have been underfunded, understaffed, and in many cases, misaligned with what military families actually need for years. The pandemic just busted it all open and now that things are starting to normalize again, the devastating effects of years of isolation and lack of community are showing.
If you are a military family, then this is nothing new. We’ve joked about these issues for years. We’ve all known countless lonely spouses who struggled to connect and counted the days until they could convince their spouse to quit the military and move back to their hometown. But if you are not a military family, these stats may be shocking to you because maybe you’ve had the stereotyped military spouse in your mind as most Americans do. We can’t blame you - we’re really good at putting on a good front. We are often bold and outwardly confident. We will fight and argue with any who would question our loyalties. We have thick skin and aren’t easily frazzled. But I need you to believe these stats, not just because you care about military families, because you love America’s heroes, or just have a soft heart. You should pay attention to these stats because they affect you and your life more than you may realize.
Spouses are the backbone of military families. A strong backbone is what the military calls RESILIENCY - the ability to flex and bend to whatever comes next. But if that backbone is stressed too far or breaks, the entire family falls apart. Low resiliency is a serious problem because military families that cannot flex, crumble. That may mean they turn to substance abuse and poor financial decisions. It may mean domestic abuse, self-harm, or disconnection from healthy family relationships. At best, it means that the family leaves the military to find work and a different lifestyle somewhere else. That means the military loses its best and most valuable asset - its people. When the military loses quality people, everything degrades. And by everything - I mean our ability to fight and win our nation’s wars. To defend you and your family against threats, both foreign and domestic. To protect our American way of life and the freedoms we all cherish so dearly. Our most powerful military assets are not our tanks, our fighter jets, our bombs, or our guns. It’s our people.
Are you concerned yet?
You should be because this is an issue that affects all of us.
So here’s what I’m focused on for the next year, if not the next decade or more: doing what I can to make a dent in this massive issue. As the military lead for MOPS Intl. it’s my personal mission to create a life-giving community for as many military moms as I can, for as long as I can.
What does that look like? For me, in my sphere of influence, it’s a goal to establish a MOPS group on every single US military installation in the world by 2030.
Why do I think MOPS is an important part of the solution? Because it creates authentic community and trusted friendships for military moms - the backbone of military families. When moms find real friends, they find belonging and they find hope. They find meaning and faith. When she is surrounded by “her people,” she is supported, cared for, and helped by others within her military community - other moms who “get it,” because they are in it with her. And she turns around and does the same for them. Together, they weather the storms of life and their resiliency grows. So when finances get tough, the unit deploys, the diagnosis is bad, the marriage is strained, the children are misbehaving, these moms have friends to talk to and a community to link arms with. They turn to friends and faith instead of alcohol, anger, the internet, or other behaviors that can trigger anxiety or worse. They are no longer isolated and they experience, perhaps for the first time in their lives, what it is to be loved by a true friend. That’s what MOPS is all about. It’s why I’ve been in MOPS for 18 years. It’s why I’m dedicating my time, my mental energy, and my passion to the cause of creating an authentic, caring, hopeful community for every military mom on this planet.
Will you join me? You’re going to hear me talk a lot about it this year. I hope you will support our efforts as we move forward and press into the fray. If you have a connection to the military community, I’d love to have you join my unofficial team of military group advocates, planters, and leaders. We have a lot of work to do, but the time is right for a military community revival. My MOPS sisters and I plan on being right there in the middle of it, leading the charge up the hill.
To learn more, check out MOPS.org/military (webpage available 8/10).
